Funny Story

The 'Middle Wife'by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,but the best "birth story" I know is the one I saw in my own secondgrade classroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness, and usually,show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, modelairplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lugit in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn, and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillowstuffed under her sweater.She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,and I'm going to tell you about his birth day.''First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad puta seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for ninemonths through an umbrella cord.'She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not tolaugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,Oh, Oh!!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walkedaround the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!!' (Now this kid isdoing a hysterical duck-walk and groaning.)'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn'thave a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to liedown in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against thewall.)'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in casehe got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, likepsshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands mimingwater flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then,all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuffthat they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so theremust be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wifespanked him for crawling up in there.'Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, when it'sshow-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'MiddleWife' comes along.Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to help someone laugh and behappy!